Acceptance and Gratitude

Today’s Al-Anon meeting was on acceptance – like a willingness to accept the things we can not change and how gratitude helps us learn acceptance.

Before the meeting began I jokingly told everyone that I was stuck on Step 8, because I was not ready to go there until I had a chance to call everyone that wronged me and explain to them exactly how they wronged me, why the wronged me and what the owe me for it. In other words, before I can develop a willingness to make amends to anyone, I wanted my pound of flesh and their apology written in blood. There is a lot of truth in humor.

I have a ways to go in my recovery.

"Through the process of Step 8, we are finally able to set in motion the amends process that will ultimately liberate us of past guilt, regret, indignity, embarrassment, dishonor, remorse, heartache, pain, misery, and all turmoil from the people in our lives."

As I drove home from the meeting, I wondered to myself how many people out there would like to exact their pound of flesh from me and are waiting for my apology letter written in blood. Probably quite a few – and, therefore, I should not be all that surprise that vengeance is on the minds of others.

I have a dream of making amends to one person by giving him something valuable – but I am humbled, for it would not be for the right reason. It would not be to make amends but rather to flaunt my success and the happiness I have now. It would be to let another know not only did I survive, but I succeeded as well so F-You. I bet your sorry now. He wouldn’t be and he would be right not to be and it would make him angry, for we do not want to see those that has harmed us succeed. And - there is no happiness in revenge.

I have a ways to go in my recovery.

Gratitude is a simple concept and I always saw myself as a polite, grateful person but I have forgotten often to be grateful to God for all that I have. I strive to be like Mina – grateful for all that I have and had and will have. I struggle with this everyday.

Cathy brought up in the meeting today how we have all these great things in this world but concentrate on this one little thing that is not quite right. We focus all of our attention on this, trying to control it, change it, make it right, if only we were strong enough, brave enough, worked hard enough, nagged enough – if only we were better – it would be gone from our lives and as we concentrate on that piece of dirt, trying to sandblast it away, we forget all the other things we should be so grateful.

Another member spoke of not gratitude but of finding out that her husband may be dying and how she has learned to trust in God, ignoring all these small smudges in her world - they have become meaningless in this tragedy.

So this is my prayer to God this week: Take away from me my desire for vengeance, prepare me for the amends that I need to make and take from me thoughts of others wrongdoings and my own so I may have serenity in my life. Let me see your work and your presence in all things. Let me be only grateful for all that I have, all that that I have had and all that I will have. Life has been good to me. God you have been loving, supporting and protective of me from before I took my first breath and will be there the moment I take my last. Let me give thanks and be humbled by gratitude. Keep thy enemy from whispering in my ear. Take Him as far away as the East is the West. Amen

On Editing

"Yeah, I know we all tend to zip through the first draft, waxing poetic, as they say, and don't take time to edit our lyrical voices. And the second draft focuses on dialogue (or continuity or chapter hooks or ...), but what about the fifteenth draft? Somewhere along the weary staircase of drafts, we have to stop, catch our breath, and take a close look at the actual words we've used." Helen Ginger in the Blood-Red Pencil.


Also Hunting Down the Pleonasm by Allan Guthrie - also an excellent guide to editing.

Moody Blues

Here I am doing exactly what I said I would never do, which is to share my personal life and thoughts with the world. But then two things occurred to me - first no one in the world is probably going to give a crap about my personal life and then there was that song. That song.

The Moody Blues, Nights in White Satin, (interesting enough until about ten years ago - give or take a few, I always believed that the title was KNIGHTS in White Satin. After much thought I have decided my title is much better and thus have continued to go with that - I don't think the Moody Blues will mind.) - anyway, where was I. Oh yes the song and particularly the lyrics Letters I've written, never meaning to send.

I now confess that I have written in my head about a thousand letters, which if I had the inclination to actually write, I would never send - this has thus came to this.

It's hard to tell if I am spiraling, upward or downward, but that is okay because movement is always better than stagnation. Stagnant water breeds not only blood sucking mosequitoes but disese and mold and other stuff I dont want to think about.

As for the subtitle - No, I do not belong to AA or NA or SA or OA and I have never had any thought of sticking a needle full of heroine in my arm. But I am on step six for the top secret organization of dependent individuals interested in having our hearts and souls ripped out by those that have an interest in such things.

Which means - yes you guess it - I am insane but no longer okay with that, because I've decided I am the one that wants to be happy.